March 02, 2004
Remainders
Overlooked in all of the Janet Jackson Nipple of Mass Destruction hype was the “incident” at the NBA all-star game the following week, when Beyonce performed at half-time, and her nipple was partially exposed for a moment and caught on camera. Where was the outrage? Did you even hear about it? Did you see it? Have you found it on a website? Would you e-mail it to me? What was my point? Doesn’t matter…
*
I know all the words and melody to “Fruit Salad” by a children’s group called The Wiggles. If I don’t unlearn it soon, I will walk in front of a bus.
*
CORRECTION
Last week, Daddy, More Bouncy! reported the tragic death of a Wichita, Kansas woman who suffered a heart attack while watching The Passion Of The Christ. The woman was actually watching Eurotrip.
D, MB! regrets the error.
*
It occurred to me that the rash of children falling down wells has completely ended. How is that possible? Are we making less wells? Putting up fences around wells? Are children just getting smarter? I don't think it's any of those -- I think kids are still falling down wells, it's just that we don't give a shit anymore.
*
Added to my list of Beautiful Women Who Aren’t Sexy: Renee Zellweger. I’m just saying…
*
On a related note: I know that Billy Crystal isn’t funny, but if he’s hosting, I will always plan my whole Sunday just to make sure I’m in front of the TV for the start of the Oscars. He’s like Pizza Pops – predictable, inoffensive, a bit too cheesy – but I’ll never turn my nose up at him, or them.
*
And still on that note, when will real actresses start winning the Best Actress award, assuming, of course, the Academy Awards represent meaningful achievement? Everyone says Charlize Theron is a great actress, but when did that happen, exactly? Before, or after Sweet November, a film where she was out-acted by Keanu Reeves? I sense she came close to taking Ashley Judd’s role in Twisted, a movie that seems… unlikely to be in the Oscar race next year.
Wait, I just gave a flying f*** about the Oscars. What’s next, metrosexuality? Uh, well…
*
One thing you learn from owning a DVD player: deleted scenes are usually deleted for a reason.
*
I’m rooting for Belinda Stronach, regardless of her qualifications. Can you imagine if we had a hot Prime Minister? It would make Canada so cool, but nobody would come out and say that’s why we’re cool. It’s like having a friend in high school whose mom is hot. You wouldn’t say Dude, your mom is hot, it would just be understood. Because if you did, he’d punch you in the face. I’ve heard.
Overlooked in all of the Janet Jackson Nipple of Mass Destruction hype was the “incident” at the NBA all-star game the following week, when Beyonce performed at half-time, and her nipple was partially exposed for a moment and caught on camera. Where was the outrage? Did you even hear about it? Did you see it? Have you found it on a website? Would you e-mail it to me? What was my point? Doesn’t matter…
*
I know all the words and melody to “Fruit Salad” by a children’s group called The Wiggles. If I don’t unlearn it soon, I will walk in front of a bus.
*
CORRECTION
Last week, Daddy, More Bouncy! reported the tragic death of a Wichita, Kansas woman who suffered a heart attack while watching The Passion Of The Christ. The woman was actually watching Eurotrip.
D, MB! regrets the error.
*
It occurred to me that the rash of children falling down wells has completely ended. How is that possible? Are we making less wells? Putting up fences around wells? Are children just getting smarter? I don't think it's any of those -- I think kids are still falling down wells, it's just that we don't give a shit anymore.
*
Added to my list of Beautiful Women Who Aren’t Sexy: Renee Zellweger. I’m just saying…
*
On a related note: I know that Billy Crystal isn’t funny, but if he’s hosting, I will always plan my whole Sunday just to make sure I’m in front of the TV for the start of the Oscars. He’s like Pizza Pops – predictable, inoffensive, a bit too cheesy – but I’ll never turn my nose up at him, or them.
*
And still on that note, when will real actresses start winning the Best Actress award, assuming, of course, the Academy Awards represent meaningful achievement? Everyone says Charlize Theron is a great actress, but when did that happen, exactly? Before, or after Sweet November, a film where she was out-acted by Keanu Reeves? I sense she came close to taking Ashley Judd’s role in Twisted, a movie that seems… unlikely to be in the Oscar race next year.
Wait, I just gave a flying f*** about the Oscars. What’s next, metrosexuality? Uh, well…
*
One thing you learn from owning a DVD player: deleted scenes are usually deleted for a reason.
*
I’m rooting for Belinda Stronach, regardless of her qualifications. Can you imagine if we had a hot Prime Minister? It would make Canada so cool, but nobody would come out and say that’s why we’re cool. It’s like having a friend in high school whose mom is hot. You wouldn’t say Dude, your mom is hot, it would just be understood. Because if you did, he’d punch you in the face. I’ve heard.
February 27, 2004
A contemptful guy with a short temper defends his decision to see Welcome To Mooseport
I saw a great movie on the weekend. I’m sure you didn’t see it, caught up as you were with your dinner parties, your Grey Poupon and Dijon crowd, and your posturing about the latest Lexus sedan and such.
Meanwhile, the rest of us guys who actually work an honest day were spending a chunk of our hard-earned paycheque to see a little cinematic gem called Welcome To Mooseport. Talk about a great way to make your cares melt away for an hour and a half.
I don’t normally feel obligated to defend my movie picks, but in this instance I’m going to stand up for this film, because I’ve seen too many of you arthouse wankers dismissing this wonderful crowd pleaser.
As a courtesy to you, I’m going to break it down point by point, using plain language you should easily understand. I know how smart you think you are, but I don’t want anyone dismissing my efforts on a technicality, just because I may have used a word like oeuvre or denouement in what you feel is the wrong context, or some flimsy shit like that.
You and your paper-thin sensitivity for proper word usage, you make me sick. C’mon, it’s Go Time…
*The title
How can you go wrong with anything that used the word “Welcome” in its title? I think you know exactly what you’re in for when a movie bothers to be polite from the outset. Did you enjoy your Passion of the Christ? Were you expecting a steamy erotic thriller, and then left the theatre puking your guts out, overwhelmed with the nails in the hands and the brutal savagery and so on? I’ll bet you really enjoyed discussing that over your post-film latte at Starbucks. Dilettantes.
*The stars
A no-brainer. Has Gene Hackman made anything bad, ever? Is his DNA hard-wired for cinematic genius? I’m starting to think so. Why don’t we just call him f---ing Midas, okay?
The lovely Maura Tierney, who brings the heat every week on my favorite show ER, showed us an entirely new dimension of her inner being, and really explored the space, in my view.
And the lynchpin of this movie was Ray Romano. Yes, he can just sit back and let the TV residuals roll in, but the Ray Romanos of this world don’t do that. He went into that meeting with the producers with his brass balls out. He set them down on the table and said I’ll be back for these next year, right after I collect my People’s Choice Award for Best Actor In A Comedy Or Musical Film, and right before I collect my Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor in a Non-Dramatic Film or Mini-Series Without Musical Numbers, Children, or An Appearance By Michael Caine.
It’s Ray Romano’s world, and we just live in it.
*The story
Ex-US President runs for mayor in small town, and hijinks ensue. It took this long to get this idea on the big screen?
But of course, a sweet, homespun story is not what you’re looking for, am I right? I know what you want…
Oh, hey, I want my French films, with the pathos and the tragedy and the people peeing on each other. Give me some independent film with the midgets and the shaky cameras and the subtitles. I want characters who are miserable and sit in a cafe all day. I need an unhappy ending. Don’t make me laugh, because I don’t want to have any fun at the theatre. No, I’m only happy when it rains…
You know what? I’m done defending this movie. There’s no hope for people like you. You’ll just automatically dismiss my opinions anyway, just because I’ve had a few DUIs, just because I happen to like my wife’s collection of Princess Diana commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint. Do you know how many weeks it took her to order the full set from the infomercials? Do you know what kind of dedication that takes? No, you don’t, because you’re too busy block-mounting your precious Anne Geddes baby prints. Yeah, I could have gone to art school too, but I chose convenience store management, and I’ve never looked back.
You just stick with your pretentious, high-minded ideals of the cinema, and I’ll keep supporting the movies that us regular joes really want to see. I see Ashley Judd has blessed us with another crime-thriller/woman-in-peril masterpiece. Guess where I’ll be this weekend?
I saw a great movie on the weekend. I’m sure you didn’t see it, caught up as you were with your dinner parties, your Grey Poupon and Dijon crowd, and your posturing about the latest Lexus sedan and such.
Meanwhile, the rest of us guys who actually work an honest day were spending a chunk of our hard-earned paycheque to see a little cinematic gem called Welcome To Mooseport. Talk about a great way to make your cares melt away for an hour and a half.
I don’t normally feel obligated to defend my movie picks, but in this instance I’m going to stand up for this film, because I’ve seen too many of you arthouse wankers dismissing this wonderful crowd pleaser.
As a courtesy to you, I’m going to break it down point by point, using plain language you should easily understand. I know how smart you think you are, but I don’t want anyone dismissing my efforts on a technicality, just because I may have used a word like oeuvre or denouement in what you feel is the wrong context, or some flimsy shit like that.
You and your paper-thin sensitivity for proper word usage, you make me sick. C’mon, it’s Go Time…
*The title
How can you go wrong with anything that used the word “Welcome” in its title? I think you know exactly what you’re in for when a movie bothers to be polite from the outset. Did you enjoy your Passion of the Christ? Were you expecting a steamy erotic thriller, and then left the theatre puking your guts out, overwhelmed with the nails in the hands and the brutal savagery and so on? I’ll bet you really enjoyed discussing that over your post-film latte at Starbucks. Dilettantes.
*The stars
A no-brainer. Has Gene Hackman made anything bad, ever? Is his DNA hard-wired for cinematic genius? I’m starting to think so. Why don’t we just call him f---ing Midas, okay?
The lovely Maura Tierney, who brings the heat every week on my favorite show ER, showed us an entirely new dimension of her inner being, and really explored the space, in my view.
And the lynchpin of this movie was Ray Romano. Yes, he can just sit back and let the TV residuals roll in, but the Ray Romanos of this world don’t do that. He went into that meeting with the producers with his brass balls out. He set them down on the table and said I’ll be back for these next year, right after I collect my People’s Choice Award for Best Actor In A Comedy Or Musical Film, and right before I collect my Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor in a Non-Dramatic Film or Mini-Series Without Musical Numbers, Children, or An Appearance By Michael Caine.
It’s Ray Romano’s world, and we just live in it.
*The story
Ex-US President runs for mayor in small town, and hijinks ensue. It took this long to get this idea on the big screen?
But of course, a sweet, homespun story is not what you’re looking for, am I right? I know what you want…
Oh, hey, I want my French films, with the pathos and the tragedy and the people peeing on each other. Give me some independent film with the midgets and the shaky cameras and the subtitles. I want characters who are miserable and sit in a cafe all day. I need an unhappy ending. Don’t make me laugh, because I don’t want to have any fun at the theatre. No, I’m only happy when it rains…
You know what? I’m done defending this movie. There’s no hope for people like you. You’ll just automatically dismiss my opinions anyway, just because I’ve had a few DUIs, just because I happen to like my wife’s collection of Princess Diana commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint. Do you know how many weeks it took her to order the full set from the infomercials? Do you know what kind of dedication that takes? No, you don’t, because you’re too busy block-mounting your precious Anne Geddes baby prints. Yeah, I could have gone to art school too, but I chose convenience store management, and I’ve never looked back.
You just stick with your pretentious, high-minded ideals of the cinema, and I’ll keep supporting the movies that us regular joes really want to see. I see Ashley Judd has blessed us with another crime-thriller/woman-in-peril masterpiece. Guess where I’ll be this weekend?
February 25, 2004
Back to her day job?
Stronach still hot, but unelectable
March 16, 2004
Conservative leadership candidate Belinda Stronach ended her bid for the party’s leadership today. Her announcement was met with varied reactions from supporters and detractors, but all agreed – Stronach is really, really hot.
“As a leadership candidate, she failed,” said Conservative leader-in-waiting Stephen Harper. “As a wickedly hot babe, she succeeded, and will succeed for years to come, at least until she develops jowls. Even then, advances in plastic surgery may extend her hotness for years to come. I wish her well. Oh, and be sure to elect me in the fall. That way there’s no chance some limpish butt pirates will be getting married, sharing benefits, or God forbid, running this country any time soon. Thank you.”
September 18, 2004
Conservative candidate Belinda Stronach suffered another setback today when she lost the election for MP in her home riding. Exit polls indicated voters would have selected Stronach in a landslide if she had focused on her superior hotness instead of campaigning on the issues.
“As a political candidate, she failed,” said winner and late night TV cult favorite Ed the Sock. “As a woman she has a rack that won’t quit, and I will maintain that until my dying day. By the way, no matter who won, this is a great day for inanimate objects in politics, am I right?”
September 28, 2004
PM wannabe Belinda Stronach failed to secure leadership of the bake sale at her son’s elementary school today. In a tight race, Stronach’s campaign derailed when her own son refused to endorse her candidacy.
“As a potential bake sale leader, she failed,” said wee Timmy Stronach, age 7. “Obviously I cannot comment on my mom’s physical features, because if I did I’d have to tear my eyes out and get all Oedipal on your asses. Does anyone have some gum?”
October 2, 2004
Failed, flawed, but still hot, Belinda Stronach suffered another setback today when she learned her position as CEO of Magna Corp. now belongs to her interim replacement – her step-brother Fred.
Fred, an alcoholic and heroin abuser, was unconscious and thus unavailable for comment. Board chairman Frank Stronach feels Fred will literally fill the CEO chair most days of the week, and Frank will continue to do what he has always done - actually run the company.
“As a CEO, my daughter failed,” said Stronach. “And even the shadowy right-wing/old money/hockey mullet complex that secretly rules this country could not propel her to the position of the ultimate figurehead, also known as the PM’s chair. But I’m certain my daughter will land somewhere.”
May 29, 2005
The CBC unveiled its Fall schedule today, with a surprising new star in its line-up. Belinda Stronach heads the cast of Hangin’ In 2: Back to the Youth Centre. A re-working of the critically reviled 1981 sitcom, Stronach plays a terminally stressed social worker, reprising the role once played by dinner theatre hack Lally Cadeau. She stars opposite the ham-fisted Pat Mastroianni, better known as Joey from the omnipresent Degrassi High television series.
“As a television star, Belinda Stronach is doomed to fail,” said the president of CBC’s entertainment division. “We are remaking a show that was pure crap to begin with, casting it with marginal talents who can’t act their way out of a paper bag, and scheduling on Friday nights at 9:30, the timeslot where shows go to die. But sometimes shit sticks to the wall, as evidenced by the inexplicable popularity of The Beachcombers and Seeing Things. So we have our fingers crossed."
Mastroianni is excited to share screen time with newcomer Stronach.
“Everyone says she’s hot,” says Mastroianni. “As a closeted homosexual, I can only take their word for it. I plan to pinch her allegedly smoking hot ass as often as possible.”
Stronach still hot, but unelectable
March 16, 2004
Conservative leadership candidate Belinda Stronach ended her bid for the party’s leadership today. Her announcement was met with varied reactions from supporters and detractors, but all agreed – Stronach is really, really hot.
“As a leadership candidate, she failed,” said Conservative leader-in-waiting Stephen Harper. “As a wickedly hot babe, she succeeded, and will succeed for years to come, at least until she develops jowls. Even then, advances in plastic surgery may extend her hotness for years to come. I wish her well. Oh, and be sure to elect me in the fall. That way there’s no chance some limpish butt pirates will be getting married, sharing benefits, or God forbid, running this country any time soon. Thank you.”
September 18, 2004
Conservative candidate Belinda Stronach suffered another setback today when she lost the election for MP in her home riding. Exit polls indicated voters would have selected Stronach in a landslide if she had focused on her superior hotness instead of campaigning on the issues.
“As a political candidate, she failed,” said winner and late night TV cult favorite Ed the Sock. “As a woman she has a rack that won’t quit, and I will maintain that until my dying day. By the way, no matter who won, this is a great day for inanimate objects in politics, am I right?”
September 28, 2004
PM wannabe Belinda Stronach failed to secure leadership of the bake sale at her son’s elementary school today. In a tight race, Stronach’s campaign derailed when her own son refused to endorse her candidacy.
“As a potential bake sale leader, she failed,” said wee Timmy Stronach, age 7. “Obviously I cannot comment on my mom’s physical features, because if I did I’d have to tear my eyes out and get all Oedipal on your asses. Does anyone have some gum?”
October 2, 2004
Failed, flawed, but still hot, Belinda Stronach suffered another setback today when she learned her position as CEO of Magna Corp. now belongs to her interim replacement – her step-brother Fred.
Fred, an alcoholic and heroin abuser, was unconscious and thus unavailable for comment. Board chairman Frank Stronach feels Fred will literally fill the CEO chair most days of the week, and Frank will continue to do what he has always done - actually run the company.
“As a CEO, my daughter failed,” said Stronach. “And even the shadowy right-wing/old money/hockey mullet complex that secretly rules this country could not propel her to the position of the ultimate figurehead, also known as the PM’s chair. But I’m certain my daughter will land somewhere.”
May 29, 2005
The CBC unveiled its Fall schedule today, with a surprising new star in its line-up. Belinda Stronach heads the cast of Hangin’ In 2: Back to the Youth Centre. A re-working of the critically reviled 1981 sitcom, Stronach plays a terminally stressed social worker, reprising the role once played by dinner theatre hack Lally Cadeau. She stars opposite the ham-fisted Pat Mastroianni, better known as Joey from the omnipresent Degrassi High television series.
“As a television star, Belinda Stronach is doomed to fail,” said the president of CBC’s entertainment division. “We are remaking a show that was pure crap to begin with, casting it with marginal talents who can’t act their way out of a paper bag, and scheduling on Friday nights at 9:30, the timeslot where shows go to die. But sometimes shit sticks to the wall, as evidenced by the inexplicable popularity of The Beachcombers and Seeing Things. So we have our fingers crossed."
Mastroianni is excited to share screen time with newcomer Stronach.
“Everyone says she’s hot,” says Mastroianni. “As a closeted homosexual, I can only take their word for it. I plan to pinch her allegedly smoking hot ass as often as possible.”
